Tales of a 21st Century Gypsy

30 December, 2003. The end or the beginning or the next step?

I can’t quite believe I’m finally reaching the end of being in New Brunswick. I’ve thought so little about leaving, just gone through step after step, one at a time, jumping each hurdle as it comes up without really considering it. Tomorrow I’m leaving, though, for good. I’ve been packing and organizing and driving a load down to Virginia, returning the next day, nexpectedly meeting up with an old friend and spending an afternoon and evening that should have gone to packing hanging around with her in Princeton instead.

I’m not thinking about leaving. I have no real desire to stay here, but of course now that I’m really leaving I feel nostalgic about the place. Less so about the people, though that makes me feel a bit guilty. How am I supposed to react to leaving, and saying good bye to Suzanne or my landlady Sharon or people I know less than them? I don’t really know. I’m so used to leaving, and to leaving people behind, and I’m used to my friends being accustomed to that. So none of us really took it seriously – just me heading off again to go somewhere as usual. And yet I do leave most of them behind totally, like the Chesapeake kayak folks, whom I’m pretty much out of touch with – out of sight, out of mind. I kind of feel bad for not – for not feeling bad. That’s ridiculous. I feel that I’m treating them all badly because I don’t miss them. But does that mean I really don’t care about them, or I never did care about them? I certainly did when I was with them. Just as Suzanne is clearly my good friend here and the only person I would talk with about things, aside from Jeff. But I think I’ll stay friends with Suzanne. We won’t be together day to day, but I’m sure that when we see each other, it will be as if we had not been apart for months – we’ll jump right back into talking about stuff the way we did when we first met each other. Is that just a rationalization for not feeling bad about leaving her? Or is it true? I do think it’s true, but maybe that doesn’t stop it from also being a rationalization.

I’m sitting in Starbucks, drinking coffee and watching people and starting out at George Street. This is my last night in this Starbucks, my last night in New Brunswick. I felt I had to stop out for a few minutes and relax – even though it’s ten at night, and I still have to go back to my office and sort things out so that I can turn the keys over to Clint tomorrow morning. I’m approaching that state of continuous motion, don’t think, just keep going, keep doing things, keep getting stuff done bit by bit. Don’t sleep, don’t stop, don’t change focus, don’t lose momentum. Don’t think, either. If I stop to think I might have to ask what I’m doing, or what I should do next, and then I’ll get off track and I won’t get it done, I won’t make it out of here tomorrow afternoon.

I can’t believe it’s tomorrow.

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